On The Wild Anticipation of Waiting for Your Reality TV Episode to Air

In one week, I will be on TV.

Not as a background actor; not as an actor of any kind. But as me, Akemi, political-mobilizer-turned-visionary artist, struggling with all the fears and glowing with all the hopes that come along with this journey.

The show is called "Wear Whatever the F You Want". It's a new series - a re-envisioning of the TLC series "What Not to Wear" from the early 00's, hosted by Stacy London and Clinton Kelly. One whole episode of 8 will chronicle my story and the fantastical experience of getting the fashion makeover of my dreams in NYC.

We filmed it a year ago. Ever since, I've been excessively daydreaming about the release. I haven't seen the episode. I have no idea how I'll be portrayed. We filmed like twenty hours of content that'll be cut down to a 45-minute segment. What will they keep? Will they include my explanation of how my decision to pursue art was informed by my spiritual awakening post-2016 election and the counter-capitalist theory of social change that followed (ie, transform yourself to transform the world, the large is a reflection of the small, etc)? Or will it just be a shallow depiction of me twirling around in a pretty dress and just talking about clothes the whole time?

the clothes were AMAZING though and they deserve to be talked about

Will anyone watch it? Will a million people watch it? Will I become famous? (probably not, my rational mind says. But maybe, my hopeful heart whispers). Maybe a stranger across the world will be inspired by my story and I won't ever know. Maybe someone will find me on the internet after and read this blog post and then the one about doing mushrooms in Pai and becoming one with the universe. I have no idea.

As much as I want to, I can't control any of these factors. I poured my whole self into it, as did Stacy and Clinton and all the ridiculously talented designers and stylists and PAs and videographers and directors and post-producers. We all did our very best, and I'm trusting that whatever comes from that is whatever wants to happen.

And ok, real talk, I'm STOKED. I still can't believe I got picked for this. The Akemi who got laid off from her third non-profit 3 years ago could never imagine that this is what she'd be up to now. I want to recognize that, you know? I'm so focused on pushing myself forward that I forget to pause and appreciate how far I've come. A part of me is scared to say that I'm proud of myself, for fear of being self-centered or complacent. And while none of us succeed in a vacuum, it does take courage to take the path less traveled. And that's worth celebrating. 💛

"Wear Whatever the F You Want", hosted by Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, will be streaming on Prime Video on Tuesday, April 29! Let me know your thoughts after you see it! Oh yeah, and here's the trailer.